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Blog Post 13

Hello everyone, It’s me! I hope you all had an exciting and thrilling 6-week vacation away from the early morning school rush, major congestion, and unavoidable stress and panic. I’m rather curious to know what everyone got up to! I can only imagine your heartache and misery now that the fun is over for another year, and that the harsh torments of reality have arisen to slap you back in the face yet again. Well don’t worry friend, this blog is a safe place for us all to drown our sorrows together. Take a seat for now and enjoy the bumpy ride.

The summer holiday was okay for me personally, although I didn’t really get up to much. I just plodded about my day like I would any other. Met up with friends, did lots of unnecessary shopping, played a little bit of Pokemon GO here and there to pass time, moaned about practically everything you could possibly think of, and worked an awful lot too. But alas, It was all good, and I made plenty of wonderful memories that I will hold onto forever. I am learning to enjoy every moment I have, no matter how small it may be.

So of course, I can only imagine and assume everyone is dying to know how things are getting on for me at college. What have I been doing so far, how many friends I have made, and how much I’ve been ‘ohh-so’ enjoying myself? Let’s just say, this blogpost is definitely one of the more trickier ones to write, but I will try to explain myself in the best way I can.

If there’s one thing that I have learned recently, it’s that sometimes in life things won’t always work out the way you want them to. Sometimes we can be so clouded by dreams and excitement, that we often forget to sit back and acknowledge reality, and what we can or cannot deal with in the now. That’s certainly what has happened here in my case. At first, I couldn’t think of anything better then flying into college, with no prior positive experience of being in that sort of environment, and diving headfirst into a level 3 course for one of the most demanding industries in the world. But as time went on, the excitement that I felt slowly manifested itself into crippling anxiety and alarming bouts of panic.

At first I tried to brush this off as some sort of beginners worry, if you will. I was bound to be anxious at first after all, that is totally normal! But after a while the panic I felt didn’t seem very normal at all, and I started becoming rather unwell, not just mentally but physically too. It seemed as though nothing I did would conquer this awful feeling I felt, and I wasn’t sure where to go from there. One thing I did know however, is that these awful thoughts in my head were simply becoming too much to bare

I decided to take a trip down to the college and have a discussion with two of the course leaders about how I had been feeling, and enquire about any advice or even potential solutions they could lend to me. The chat went really well, and I was able to unload a lot of the worries and negativity I had been feeling with very little issue. After approximately an hour of chatting, we all came to the agreement that for this year, I just wasn’t ready for college. Art is something I am extremely reserved about, and It’s incredibly difficult for me to break away from my comfort bubble and let people into that part of me. When put into perspective, I know that for now I would not feel confident enough to show that part of me off to the world. I need to work on my confidence, and learning to embrace the work I produce and stop comparing myself to those around me. It’s a lot easier said then done, and these are things that will take time to learn and drum into my head. I don’t want rules to be bent for me, or for special provisions to be put into place, I want to be able to adapt to those challenging environments with ease, and learn how to take difficult tasks head on with very little worry. These are things that I am just not able to do right now, but I am confident with a little bit of help and guidance, college will truly become the next big step for me.

I am incredibly disappointed to not be joining the friends I had made on their journey throughout college, but I know the decision I have made is the right one. I plan to spend the next year drastically improving my confidence, self-esteem and independence, and hopefully getting to a point where going to college will be a walk in the park for me. I will also be devoting a lot more time to my art! I have no plans to give up on this dream, and I am more determined then ever to prove to myself and everyone around me that I can do this. There is still hope for me yet.

Apologies for this month’s issue being slightly shorter than the others. I’d be lying if I said this was easy for me to write, but like I said before, I won’t take this next year sitting down. I’m going to work harder then ever to get what I want, and I’m hoping that in a year’s time I will be a much more confident person, with a lot more faith in my artistic abilities.

I’ll speak to you all soon! Ciao for now.

- Shannon 😊

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